


I've Been Drinking

by A55hole69



Series: Paint the Town [12]
Category: Marvel, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alcohol, Attempt at Humor, Crack, Drunkenness, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Fluff and Humor, For Science!, Gen, Hangover, Parent Bucky Barnes, Parent Steve Rogers, Parent Tony Stark, Science Experiments
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-21
Updated: 2020-03-21
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:07:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23238163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A55hole69/pseuds/A55hole69
Summary: "Steve? Are you... Are you drunk? Is that even possible?"
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Tony Stark, Steve Rogers/Sam Wilson
Series: Paint the Town [12]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1362460
Comments: 1
Kudos: 100





	I've Been Drinking

"Father, why must you torture me like this? I have never done anything to you, Steve. Why are you making me do this when I'm hungover?" Klaus struggled as he attempted to pull himself up. Steve dragged him down to the gym at six that morning to do weight training, because apparently, he's losing weight or something. It wasn't that big of a deal, but the entire team started mother henning him. What happened three years ago was not happening again, Klaus promised them.

"You have to do twenty more of those. And this isn't torture, it's not my fault your muscle mass had been declining. We both know how dangerous it is for you to get too small." 

"It was only ten pounds, Steve, and we could have started this thing when I wasn't dying. I feel like at any moment, I'm gonna pass out and die. My head is killing me." Klaus attempted another pull up and just gave up half way, leaving him dangling from the bar.

"I told you we were starting today, it's your fault you let Loki talk you into going to a drag show." 

"How could I not? Beautiful queens dancing and singing, it was magical. Then one of them invited Loki and I, to a gay club. It was amazing." Klaus groaned, "I will literally do anything Steve, name it. You want some drugs? I know a guy. You want access to an illegal fight? I know a few guys. You want some cheap jewellery? I got you dude. Anything you want, even hookers, if that's what you want. I don't judge at all. Everyone has...urges. It's natural." 

Steve arched an eyebrow, "I have never heard you talk like that, ever. You must really feel like shit." He sighed and looked at the miserable boy, "I'll tell you what. I want to get drunk, I've never been drunk in my life and I want to know what it feels like. And you're whole shtick is chemistry and chemicals, and biology and stuff, so you could totally make something, right?"

Klaus looked at him in shock, mouth agape and eyes wide, "You've never been drunk? Not even when you were super small?" Steve shook his head, "You've never woken up so hungover and in some strange middle aged lady's bed, and she walks in with eggs and orange juice with a huge smile on her face, and then as you're eating she gives you one of the best blowjobs you've ever had, then she tells you her husband is coming back from Denver in an hour, and you two have a quickie before you leave and you never see her again?" 

Steve folded his arms frowning, "I most certainly did not. Did that actually happen to you?" 

Klaus had a blissful look on his face as he threw himself back on the gym floor, "I miss Dianna everyday, she smelled of lavender and honey. Her skin was like chocolate, so rich in colour and creamy. I wish we had more time together. She was a beautiful soul."

"Did she die or something?"

Klaus groaned, "Even worse, she let her stupid children talk her into moving to Canada after the divorce. Children are so inconsiderate sometimes, Steve. Never have kids, Steve. They will suck you dry and leave you lifeless and dead inside." 

Steve scoffed, "Klaus, I don't know if you remember but you are technically my kid." 

"I meant voluntarily. You didn't exactly have a choice when they cooked me up in the lab with your DNA." 

Steve smiled sadly, "You're still my kid, Klaus. It may have been unethical, but if they didn't do it you wouldn't be here, and that would kind of suck." 

"Awe." 

"So, are you gonna get me drunk or what?"

_______

"First, I need to know how to flavour it. I want you to like it, at least a little." Steve nervously looked at the spread. At least fifteen bottles of liquor sat on the kitchen table. Klaus poured a shot of some amber liquid and handed it to him, "This is bourbon." 

"That is a lot of alcohol." Steve downed the shot and grimaced, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph, that is horrible. People drink that? My poor mouth." 

Klaus took the glass and poured out another amber liquid, "This one is whisky." He handed it to Steve, "It's not that much alcohol, the beers and the wines are on their way up. I need to know if you're a hard liquor kind of guy or a beer guy, maybe you're a cocktail guy." 

Steve sighed and downed the shot, he grimaced again but not as bad as the last time. "Man, that's nasty. Do you drink this stuff? How can you even get drunk?" 

"My metabolism isn't as fast as yours, and it takes a really long time. I mostly drink Black Absinthe, or Apple Vodka." The younger blond poured out a black liquid and handed it to him, "This is absinthe, it is very strong, and it's illegal to have in this country. I have a guy for that too." 

Steve cautiously took the shot, he squeezed his eyes shut as he swallowed and looked at Klaus like he was a mad man, "That burns really bad. It felt like someone set my throat on fire. How the hell do you drink that?" 

"Loki once dared me to eat a California Reaper, nothing hurts me anymore." He handed Steve another shot, "This is tequila, it's the worst thing I've ever tasted in my life, but Loki loves this shit for some reason." 

That was how it went for like an hour, Steve took a shot and grimaced every time. He wound up liking the vodka and the gin, but not much else. Then it was time for cocktails, Klaus noticed Steve preferred the sweeter ones. Then the beer came and as predicted, he loved it. Typical. 

Sam walked into the kitchen a while later, with a frown on his face, "What the hell are you two doing?" 

"We're trying to see what kind of alcohol Steve likes. So far it's beer and cocktails. We're moving onto the wines and the champagne now." 

"Why?" 

Klaus scoffed, "For science, obviously." 

"Can I help? I grew up on Bourbon Street, I know a thing or two about mixing drinks." 

Klaus handed Sam an extra apron, "Get in here." 

________

It took weeks, and Klaus made Steve drink so many different samples. He even accidentally created truth serum, boy was that fun. Klaus had to keep Steve down in his lab until it wore off, making it the funniest six hours of his life. Needless to say, he bottled that batch up and put it in his special fridge. 

"You're sure this won't turn me blue, again?" Steve asked Klaus as he looked at the clear liquid skeptically. "I really don't need Tony calling me Papa Smurf again." 

"It's not, I swear. I had Wade test it first, he volunteered. It made him a little loopy at first, and he ended up sleeping for twelve hours. I think this may be the one." Steve uncorked the glass bottle and put it to his lips, "I suggest you take it easy, Wade only had one shot, so don't drink..." Klaus watched in horror as Steve emptied the one litre bottle of pure alcohol. The younger blond scratched his head, "...all of it. I'm sure it will be fine. Wade's metabolism is slower than mine... he's probably just a light weight... It's going to be fine." 

Steve handed the bottle over to a slightly panicked Klaus, and he took it. "Tastes like apples, it was really nice, smooth. I feel fine." Red lights flashed throughout the tower and Steve sighed, "Duty calls, I guess." 

Klaus stood in the middle of his lab clutching the glass bottle to his chest, watching on in horror as the super soldier got on the elevator and disappeared, "What have I done?"

______

The mission went horribly wrong about five minutes in. The Avengers won, obviously, but Tony noticed that Steve had been acting weird since they got on the jet. After they landed, Steve was stumbling all over the place, and rambling about random nonsense. Giggling at everything. It would have been funny if it wasn't in the middle of a fight. Steve was fighting just fine, so Tony didn't really pay him too much attention. 

When they were on their way back to the tower, Steve suddenly fell on his knees trying to get up and stumbled all over the place, eventually settling next to Sam, resting his head on the man's lap.

"You smell soooo good, Sam." Steve mumbled. 

Bucky frowned, "Steve? Are you... Are you drunk? Is that even possible?" 

"Klaus gave me a magic potion." 

Tony's eyebrows shot up, "Klaus? My Klaus, got you drunk? You actually let Klaus test out his weird shit on you? Is that why you looked like Papa Smurf last week?" 

"It wasn't like that. Steve asked him if him getting drunk was possible, and I guess you know how it went from there." Sam answered for the Captain, while carding his fingers through the man's hair. Steve purred lightly, and passed out a few seconds later. 

"I have to try some of that thing." Tony whispered.

Bucky scoffed, "If it has Steve acting like that, I'm thinking it will kill the average man, and I know that you hate to hear it doll, but your body is very average." 

Tony looked at Bucky in shock, "My body is not average. I can handle my liquor just fine." 

"You had half a bottle of peach schnapps, and you passed out after singing karaoke for two hours. And you were still drunk when you woke up nine hours later." Tony huffed and crossed his arms, childishly looking away from his boyfriend.

Clint snorted, "I think you hurt his feelings, Buck." 

______

Steve woke up in the living room on the couch six hours later with a pounding headache. Clint and Wade were playing some video game, and it felt like someone was hammering nails inside his brain. He groaned loudly and in pain, alerting the two. Clint paused the game and walked over to him with two blue pills and a glass of water.

"Here you go. Klaus said that you should take these before you do anything. Your head has to be killing you right now." 

"I feel like I was trampled by a thousand elephants." 

"Captain's first hangover. How is it? Is it at horrible as you imagined?" 

Steve tried to stand up and groaned in pain, immediately regretting that decision, "It's worse. It's so much worse. I thought you guys were big babies. I am never getting drunk again, this is horrible. Where is everyone?" 

"Nat and Bruce are around here somewhere, Sam is at work and Tony is with Bucky in Klaus' lab, trying to convince the kid to let him try the thing he made for you. Bucky and Klaus are telling him it's a terrible idea and Tony is not listening to a word." 

As if they were conjured, Bucky and Tony stepped out of the elevator. Bucky carrying the man bridal style. "I am not that drunk, Jamie baby, if I was drunk I wouldn't be able to do this." 

Tony just stared off into nowhere for two seconds, before snapping out of it, "Tada!" 

Bucky frowned, "What did you do?" 

"I just did the Macarena. Didn't I just do the Macarena?" 

Bucky smiled fondly, "No you didn't, doll." 

Tony sunk further into the man's arms, "Oh man."


End file.
